When Bereavement and Holidays Walk Together

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By Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT

The writer of the book Ecclesiastes states: “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” (3:1).  The context and feelings around bereavement and holidays suggest that they should be opposite or separate seasons– sadness and merriment. This very paradox is represented in Ecclesiastes 3:4:  a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.”  Sometimes families experience the challenge of simultaneously facing these two seasons of life.

Holidays also tend to reinforce the various roles that family members play.  For example the family matriarch or partriarch, such as a grandmother or grandfather, tend to subconsciously assume that authoritative role in small or big ways.  Other examples might be the family “storyteller”, “clown”, “peacemaker”, or “know-it-all” who assume these roles with more  energy over the holidays than at other times of the year.  However, when a family member dies, relationships between members often need to be realigned and roles between family members may be altered (Walsh and McGoldrick, 1991).  After a loss, explained Walsh and McGoldrick, families need to both draw together and remain flexible in relationships and roles.

What are some ways to cope with the loss of the role of a family member during the holidays?  One way is through family rituals or traditions.  You may need to change some traditions but keep some traditions the same.  Perhaps Grandpa carved the turkey or said the prayer before the meal, and memories around this could be shared.  Or maybe that teenager that died suddenly had a gift of making the shy and withdrawn aunt feel important.  Talk with one another about the positive difference that role of the teenager made on the family.

The personhood of the deceased family member can never be replaced.  However, in time, the Lord may realign the roles or provide someone to stand in the gap on behalf of that loved one.  This realignment of roles often occurs within the biological family, but it can also occur from outside the family.  In my family-of-origin, my brother, Ted, played the role of clown, storyteller, and encourager, as well as others.  After his death, we felt the loss of these roles.  But God in His divine understanding gradually reacquainted us with Ted’s best friend from his college days.  Al understood and loved Ted’s sense of humor.  He relates to our daughters as an uncle would, asking questions about school and friends.  We sometimes play games together and always share a holiday meal together.  Al stands in the gap for my brother.
Psalm 34:18 states:  “the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  For those whose season of mourning or weeping also coincide with the holidays, how deeply the Lord wants to draw you close!  May the honoring of your loved one this season bring a great measure of divine comfort and love.

Four-Way Stops: Demonstrating the Golden Rule

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By B.J. Funk

Have you heard of the Parable of the Four-way Stop Sign? It’s the Golden Rule in action. Four vehicles can reach the stop sign around the same time, from four different directions. Each stops, allowing the first that arrives to be the first to move forward. You stop and wait your turn. Another waits his turn. In this world of law suits running rampant because someone has violated another’s rights, the four-way stop brings a pleasant reminder that ‘doing unto others’ actually can work. I go through one every day on my way to work, and I’ve yet to see an angry motorist exit his car for a fist fight with the driver of the car who got there first.

We teach our children to take turns. While a child is bursting to always be first, we tell them they cannot. How many times has a parent said to small siblings, ‘You take a turn. Then give your brother a turn’? In homes that value guidance, the Golden Rule is taught daily. Yet, I grow weary of TV talk shows where grown-ups have forgotten what they were taught as children. Men and women engage in nightly battles of interruption to see who can be the loudest. Sometimes, I want to write them and tell them the Parable of the Four-Way Stop Sign!

Me, my and mine seem to have become the buzz words of our era, and the message of the Golden Rule gets pushed aside. Instead of the admonition of Jesus to ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ we often hear ‘Do unto others before they get a chance to do it unto you!’

Taking turns is not the only aspect of this rule. But it’s a beginning. Start a Matthew 7:12 Ministry in your Sunday School class, and watch the differences that can come when we treat others the way we like to be treated.

Mercy Kept the Light On

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By B.J. Funk

Motel Six television commercials are known for their ‘We keep the light on’ advertisements, which might not mean much to some, but which send a comforting beacon to many for whom the light has been turned off. For those who have ever had a door slammed in their faces, or a rejection that feels like hard fists in the stomach, the encouragement of  finding a place that actually keeps the light on is an oasis of hope, a contrast to their desert of darkness.

Already today, you have probably passed by someone in the grocery store or at work who longs for a light to be left on for them. You likely did not notice, for many searchers of light are masters at covering up their need. They mix their hurts with an addiction to numb the pain, taking on excessive swallows of poison as they grow deeper into their belief that they don’t really matter to anyone else; why, then, should they matter to you?

Or, perhaps it is the opposite. They laugh a little too loudly, tell a few more jokes than anyone else, and maybe, if you look deeply enough, they never allow you to really get into their lives. We only see portions of them, the sunny side of them, the ‘I’ve got life, and I’m great’ side of them. One gets the feeling that honesty has never rested its head on their heart, as they cake on layer after layer of ‘Everything is okay! Really, it is.’

Then, on a night when no one expects, a crash comes through their cover-up plans, and a raw pain that hurts deeper than they ever imagined comes forth. Pretense falls, and truth walks in. It is not fun. It’s not fun to realize that all your hidden secrets are hidden no more, that now your family and friends will see the dark side of you. It is more than you can bear. You want to climb in a closet, and shut out the world.

Except for one giant, marvelous word, you might. One word that dares to break the closet door open and pull you out. A soothing, yet forceful word that is claimed by the One who made it, the One who is the very same, the One who is over and above all others. Mercy. Mercy takes the same hammer that nailed Him to the cross and yanks out the nails that hold you captive inside the closet. Mercy paid too much for you to live in an embryonic state inside of mold, dark and nothingness, inside winter clothes crammed together and falling on the floor.  Mercy claims you, holds you, enfolds you and calls you His own.

Come out from hiding. Your life is not over yet. Mercy will always keep the lights on for you.

Mayberry Every Day

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By B.J. Funk

I have always enjoyed reruns of the Andy Griffith Show, especially when his deputy, Barney, added his unique touch of humor. After Andy died, I started taping all of the Andy Griffith Marathon shows. I don’t want to miss a one. It’s not just that I lose myself in laughter, but I lose myself in thirty minutes of peddling backward into the simplicity of another time. My mind and body slow down when I walk into Mayberry. There’s nothing quite like a visit with Andy on his porch, with Aunt Bee in her kitchen or with Opie as he rides his bike in complete confidence that nothing bad could ever happen on the streets of Mayberry. I loved Barney’s favorite expression dealing with life’s trials: ‘Nip it in the bud!’

Ah, those were the days! Even if you are not a fan, you still realize that the relaxed life portrayed in this show is something we would love to have today. How did we lose that tranquil pace that characterized life in the l950’s? How wonderful if those slower days of yesteryear would reappear. My friends say to me, however, ‘Those days are gone, never to return.’

I’m not sure about that. I believe there is a way to salvage the peace of Mayberry. Just as a script guided Andy and Barney through thought-provoking situations in which they never seemed rushed, you and I have a script that guides us into that same slowed-down feeling. The Bible’s script says to us in Isaiah 32: 17-18, ‘The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.’

While my study notes point to this time in Isaiah as occurring when the worldwide kingdom of God is established for all eternity at the end of time, we can also know this quietness and confidence now. There is a way to bring that awesome peace into your daily hustle. Outer circumstances might not change. A fast pace society is here to stay. But, Scripture tells us that the inside of us—the part in which the Holy Spirits whispers His peace– has a great chance of living in Mayberry again.

I think of my late mother often, but always when I think of inner peace. If her peace could be marketed and sold, the world would pay anything to buy a bottle. She knew the secret of staying connected to her Source, Jesus Christ. I never saw her frustrated or ‘out of sorts.’ She carried peace inside, and it dribbled out on every body who passed her way. I was so blessed…am so blessed…that she was my mother!

I remember a time when everybody around me was in a tizzy! Suddenly, I looked at my serene mother, and she said, ‘I’m perfectly content.’ She was not bragging. She was simply stating a fact. She was content. I think she was not sure why everyone else was not!

The reason most of us do not know this kind of peace is that we are trying to find peace in all the wrong places. Gleaning daily from the Bible’s amazing promises will give us a different perspective on anything troubling us. For today, make this your Bible assignment: read Isaiah 32:17-18 and ask for that inner peace that truly can surpass all earthly understanding.

God’s Word will be better than Mayberry as you allow Him to help you with your anxiety. Allow your heart, soul and mind to concentrate on God and the tremendous truths of His Word, and watch your fluttering and anxious life find peace that you did not know existed. Circumstances likely won’t change. But you will. Who better than God could take your worried heart, replace it with inner peace and “nip your worries in the bud!”